Never to be found

there's a gulf of years
between landing here
and fading here, and I recall
your smile in each child's memory
much more than my own failings
or never beings or never wasings,
which you never cared about
and still don't, tho often I find
in your eyes what I think is
some hidden sadness, some
longing, some dream that might
never come or has passed from being,
and it's hard to look away--I
admit it--and it's
harder to stare into the truth--
so I swallow it and write it here
never to be found.